Megan Hellenthal

Megan Hellenthal





You feel like words. In some important ways, you are words. You can’t stop thinking them. Someone made them up at some point. But no one ever made up a word that encapsulates the amazing contradictions and complex feeling that represent you right now. This brings you awe and sadness. 

You feel like plant. A plant who is a stranger in Memphis. The lights and bustle are exhilarating yet you feel alone. You have no roots here. Do you need roots? Can you just keep replanting? Maybe someday you will find a spot worthy of your roots. But until then, you will enjoy the music. P.S. drink water. 

You just realized that time is a part of space and has something to do with the speed of light. You decided to walk backwards in order to time travel. It doesn’t work. You shine a light on yourself. You can’t help but keep moving forward....even though you are like also moving backward.....You decided if you can’t control when you are, you will control how you are. You start to dance backward swinging around a flashlight. For some reason the neighbors are staring at you. You feel free. 

You feel like Walter Matthau. I can’t remember who he is. Neither can you. Oh my god, you have amnesia. It’s okay, this just means you are free to live in the moment. You have reached Zen. Congratulations. 

You feel like you just won your first extreme wind chime competition. You will never play wind chimes again so you can always live in the glory. 

You feel like Doritos in a bowl of peanut butter ice cream. You don’t really belong in standard cookbooks. The parts of you are delicious on their own, but it takes a true artistic weirdo to appreciate the beauty that is you as a whole. 

You are wandering around a garden. You have gotten lost (it’s a big garden). But you don’t care because gardens smell nice. What you do care about is the giant dragon in your way. You decide to chase it and wind up addicted to the endorphins. The endorphins permanently make your face look like you had a stoke. You never catch the dragon.

You feel like you are flying. You are dazzled by your impulsiveness and not the least bit afraid of spiders with tennis shoes because deep in your heart, you know they can never be a part of this world. 

You get stoned and start eating Doritos with peanut-butter ice cream. OH MY GOD, you just realized you are eating your friend! It’s too late!!! You crave humans. You are now Jeffery Dammer. 

You are feeling like a shovel—a shovel built to dig graves. Whether or not you ever put anyone in those graves, is up to them.

You accidentally turn to page 53 and die. But it’s okay because no one wrote hell into the book. You might wind up in Aries’ grave. 

You are feeling good and listing to ODB. You walk into the McDonald’s bathroom like you own the place. For some reason it smells like a large garden you could get lost in. You open the stall door and find...........you are in the 37th chamber. It’s like Narnia but with less God. You feel a feeling with a German name. You don’t speak German. So you don’t know how to feel. #wutangclanforever

You have lost your body. You look in the lost and found. No body. You have to masturbate. Oooooooohhhhh noooooooooooooo you now have to fuck your mind. You have to seriously mind fuck yourself. You feel good. You are good at this. You start a business and make money. You forget what it’s like to know if people like you for you. But at least you came.

You learn German to better organize your feelings. You develop a bad case of weltschmerz. It came with your German starter pack. But none of your friends can relate. With your new compromised immunity and social isolation, you also come down with nihilism. The world doesn’t feel safe anymore. You realize there are barriers between humans and no one else will ever truly understand you. You will never truly understand you. You’ve lost your sense of meaning and direction. But then you find a helmet and decide to look at grass in the sunshine cuz….fuck it (that came with the nihilism). You create your own version of a meaningful life. You are accept the world as it is. I mean, you’ve got a MUTHAFUCKIN HELMET. How bad could it be? 

You are driving in your car and see a concerned looking woman in the car next to you. She speeds by you. You realize she has her own story, one you will never know. At the stoplight, you stare at a man talking on his phone. Who is he talking to? You see a plane fly overhead. Where are they going? Each person has a different reason for being on that plane. You will almost certainly never meet these people. The thought that there are so many people with their own lives and stories that you will never know and that are separate from yours starts to overwhelm you. You feel Sonder. You decided to make up stories for their lives to fill the whole. This brings you joy. Then you chug (what is that? Wild Turkey?). Yes, you chug Wild Turkey. Luckily, you are no longer driving. The Wild Turkey makes your belly warm. It helps you have fun around the people whose lives you will interact with, but also like vomit a lot probably. I mean you are seriously chugging Wild Turkey. That’s just… that’s just crazy. The sonder is gone. Now you just feel hungover. Take drugs. They will help.

Sometime in the soon-to-be future….shit the future became now, oh my god it’s in the past…now you are late!!!! You are the white rabbit. You decide to chase Alice for a change. She gets a restraining order on you. That day you had was a one time thing.  It’s time to move on. And now that time has passed. You should have moved on in the present. You feel Zenosyne. The only known cure is smoking weed, waiting for someone to call, watching The English Patent, or falling off a building.  These things will make time slow down. You do all of these things. Now you are very bored. Alice never calls (I mean she has a restraining order). Oh wait, you fell off a building. I forgot I wrote that. You are now in Aries’ grave.

You feel like rain. You make flowers bloom, warm concrete smell wonderful, and rainbows possible, but you also ruin people’s hair. There is someone inside right now who is feeling chrysalism. They are warm and cozy inside drinking hot apple cider wrapped in a weighted blanket. They stare out the window at you for hours even though they own a TV. This is neither creepy nor makes you uncomfortable. You relish in it. 

You ARE THE RAIN! 

You own it.

 

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