Dear group,

Something recently happened in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for about 7 months and the entire time he has been trying to talk me into a threesome. I have never given him any indication that this would be something that I am interested in. He talks about it incessantly and even brings it up while we are having sex.

Last week we were hanging out at his place and he told me that a friend of his was going to be stopping by. I instantly got a bad feeling but I stayed to meet this friend. When the guy arrived, he sat very close to me in the living room. He started by asking me about myself and my boyfriend excused himself to the kitchen to make a snack and some drinks for everyone. It almost seemed as if his friend was trying to get to know me for romantic reasons.

After an hour or so the friend decided to leave and my boyfriend and I went to bed. WE started to fool around and I was satisfied with the way the evening had went. About a half hour later his friend was suddenly in the bedroom with us, and my boyfriend told that it was the night his fantasies would come true. I knew that I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I went along with it because I wanted to make my boyfriend happy. It was not good. I was so upset that I could not get any pleasure out of it at all, and now, days later, I am still feeling violated and sick to my stomach about the situation. I feel like if I bring it up to my boyfriend, he will get upset, but there is a part of me that is screaming to get out of this relationship right now.

Can you offer any advice? Should I end things with this guy?

— Confused.

Hey Confused. We aren’t sure how much time you spend online, but on YouTube there is a series of videos called ‘Sassy Gay Friend’. With the situation that you are in, we went directly to our Sassiest Gays. In those videos there is a catchphrase that we would now like to say directly to you. “What, what, what are you doing? Look at your life, look at your choices.”

Yes, there are so many points where this guy did terrible things based on the way it is framed in your letter. He violated your consent by not getting clear permission to bring a third into the bedroom. He pressured you for several months into doing something that you were not comfortable with.

We have a general rule when it comes to sexual encounters, and a lot of other things in life. If the answer isn’t ‘Fuck, yes!’, then the answer is ‘Hell, no!’. If you are not excited and happy to have some sort of activity within an interpersonal relationship, you should not. Trust your gut. Your mind and body are really good at letting you know what types of activities you should be doing.

Now let’s talk about a couple of different ways to avoid ever having to find yourself in a situation like this again. It comes down to the way that you respond when someone asks you for things that you aren’t entirely comfortable with. You stated in your letter that you never gave him any indication that you would ever want to have a threesome. Can we ask if you ever directly told him no? When we are looking at the world of consent, you must your “No’s” be as enthusiastic as your “Yes”.

We have all been in a situation where a partner has tried to talk us into something that we didn’t really want to do. Simply saying, “You have mentioned this a couple of times, and I am well aware of your interest in this activity. I don’t want to be pressured any more. If I decided that it is something that I want to do, I will tell you.” If anyone continues to pressure you after making a clear statement like that, you should just break up with them. They do not have your best interests at heart, and they are not someone you should be spending time with.

Now as far as your current relationship goes, we also think that you should dump him. You said that you went along with the threesome to make him happy, but the surprise visitor and him springing the activity on you are not OK. It wasn’t consensual, you were coerced. When it comes to matters of consent, the issue is about whether you had all of the information about that activity. You didn’t. You weren’t given a chance to have a conversation about it, or to express your feelings and fears properly. We are going to guess that your boyfriend has pulled this move before and he will continue to do it unless there are consequences. Send him this article, tell him you have an entire group of people that support your decision to get rid of him. You will find someone that respects your boundaries and does not decide to take advantage of you.

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