I still remember sitting front row at Totem Theatre, popcorn and Sour Patch Kids in hand, as the opening credits to the Lion King rolled. I sat in rapture as Carmen Twillie’s deep voice belted: “Through despair and hope/Through faith and love/Till we find our place/On the path unwinding/In the circle/The circle of life.” About 15mins later, I sat in disbelief, crying while Simba prodded his dead father, Mufasa. Twenty-eight years later, and I’m still trying to reconcile that trauma. But I digress. The point is that everything is cyclical, and that includes failed Tinder dates.
Every year, would-be suitors seem to follow a pattern I like to call “the boomerang.” In the early spring, as the winter thaws, the hearts of serial Tinder daters grow colder while they prepare to dump the one they’re with in hopes of an upgrade. The key is securing as many dates as possible during this period so you can hone your ideal dating sales pitch. By the time that’s locked in, it’s summer, and a veritable smorgasbord of horny tourists is ripe for the picking. After a summer of hookups, the boomerang dater circles back to their spring dates to find a suitable one to pass the winter with. And you guessed it, the cycle repeats.