I am hoping you can settle an argument that I am having with my boyfriend. We started dating about nine months ago and while we don’t live together, we still get intimate at least 5 times per week. I am satisfied with our sex life, and until recently, I imagined that he was as well. Recently while over at his house I noticed that the lubricant was out even though I clearly remember putting it away after the last time we made love. When I questioned him about it, he told me that he had used it while pleasuring himself. Upon further conversation, I discovered that the entire time we have been together he has been masturbating at least twice a week.
I am hurt and offended that he feels the need to do this. I thought that he was satisfied with our sexual activities, and I believe that if he isn’t, he should have come to me. He said that masturbation has nothing to do with me, and that he is satisfied with our sex life. I want him to stop, and he refuses. Who is correct in this situation?
Please sign me,
We wanted to be snarky in our response to this, but that would have been incorrect because you are entirely allowed to have your feelings. You may be thinking that you are inadequate, unattractive, and unnecessary. Please don’t have those thoughts. In our opinion, your boyfriend is correct. His masturbation habits have nothing to do with you. In fact, considering that May is masturbation month, we are a little surprised he wasn’t doing it more. It’s also worrisome to us that it sounds like you don’t masturbate while you are involved in a sexual relationship. We think you should.
Here is where we think that the issue is for you. You are looking at masturbation as if it is only used for sexual pleasure, and while that is the root, it’s not the only reason that your guy is probably jerking off. There could be lots of other reasons. Sometimes we masturbate to fall asleep, or if we are bored, or if we have an erection that won’t go away. Sometimes it is because we need to distract ourselves, or just to relax, or simply because it feels good. Out of all the different reasons that a person decides to give themselves an orgasm, we doubt that your man’s reason is because he is not satisfied with you. Especially if it is only a couple times a week. Also, even if it is simply for the sexual pleasure and release, we as humans are the best at knowing our bodies. There is a lot that goes into preparing for sexual pleasure with another person. When it solo play time, we don’t have to worry about all of that.
As a couple, the two of you should sit down and have a conversation about this. Your insecurities, why you are feeling certain ways about his masturbation, and the reasons that he chooses to pleasure himself. We hope that this conversation leads to you getting a better understanding of him, and he will get a clearer picture of some of your emotions.
When you are having this talk, might we also suggest something that could be fun for both parties? Masturbate in front of each other. Not at the same time. He should sit back and show you what it looks like when he is jerking off. You should also masturbate in front of him. Show him what it is that you do when you are by yourself. This won’t do anything to alleviate the fears that you are having about him masturbating by himself, but it could you show you different things about your partner, and his enjoyment, that you may not have thought of.
We are wishing you the best dear. Hope this all works out for you.
Dear Ask an Alaskan,
A regular sexual partner of mine and I hadn’t been together for quite a while and as we were getting intimate, I did something that I had forgotten that they don’t enjoy. It is something that has been a trigger for them in the past. I was embarrassed that I had forgot and luckily, they were understanding. We were able to have a wonderful time after a quick chat. When you have been away from someone, and forgotten a few of the details of their likes and dislikes, how do you start the conversation to recap what you and they expect from your time together?
Old Things Are New Again
That’s so awkward, isn’t it? You find yourself back into a romantic situation with a former sexual partner and sometimes you have forgotten a limit, or perhaps they are doing something new and you aren’t sure if you like it, yeah, that can weird real fast.
We like to think of it like you would a job, or some sort of task that isn’t as much fun as familiar sex. If you had been a bartender five or ten years ago, you would probably need to learn a few things before you were ready to work a busy Friday night right away. Pretty much anything in life needs a refresher course if it has been a while.
Take that same theory and apply it to any relationship you have, not just the sexual ones. Have some conversations about the good stuff first. Ask them if they have learned anything new while you have been apart from each other. It does not need to turn into a blow by blow of every sexual experience they had, but perhaps they read about a new position, toy, or kink, that they would like to now introduce to you. This can almost become foreplay. Using the right tone, they can explain all their desires, what they want you to do, and new things they want to try, and then it becomes more than foreplay, it is also consent.
At some point in that conversation you can bring up limits, and just list off the ones that you know, and remember. This gives them an opportunity to remind you of any you missed or tell you about new ones. Sometimes you will even get surprised and something that was a limit before, is now a desire!
Yes, we always end up talking about everything like adults, but with a little creativity, you can make it fun and sexy. Have fun out there.
The Alaskans are a group with varying degrees of success in the world of love, sex, and sex without love. Some of us even have actual degrees! Send us your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org