I don’t really know where else to ask this, so I am hoping your group might be able to help. I am generally not what you would consider a “kinky” person. I have no problem with the occasional trip to the Castle, or perhaps some adventurous clothing for the bedroom, but that’s about it. I never even really thought about it until I started dating the man that I have been with for around 9 months.
When we first started dating, he confessed to me that he was part of the kink and BDSM community for many years. His last two relationships within that community both ended very badly, and he decided to step away from that lifestyle. The longer that we have been together he has been asking me to think about engaging him on some fantasies he has had that would have me as the central focus.
I believe that as a partner we should allow ourselves to engage our partner in their fantasies. The reason I am writing is that I am afraid I will become one more person on the list of people that has harmed someone I deeply care about while they are trying to simply experience pleasure. I don’t have any interest in joining in a party or doing anything in a group setting. I get nervous and anxious in front of groups of people already. I was wondering if your group knew of any way that I could learn about some of the fantasies that he has, or maybe even a safer website to get information. Every time that I type the keywords in for what he is asking for, I get inundated with offers for porn sites or places to hire someone to do it for him.
Is there any advice that you can give me about how to help my kinky boyfriend satisfy his desires while I also respect my own limits?
— Woman in Search of Help
Awwwwww. Cute! We received our first Savage Love style acronym! Hi WISH! Of course, we here at Ask an Alaskan respect the work that is done by Dan Savage all the time in his column, podcast, and speaking engagements.
Now, on to the issue. WISH, you are a great partner. We need to say that starting out because sometimes when us, as humans, can’t satisfy every desire that our romantic partners have, we start to put the blame on ourselves. Please don’t do that. Your backgrounds, fantasies, and libido’s are so different. You can have your own goals and plans for the relationship.
The other positive part is that you are willing to explore with your partner. You are proving that you are giving your end of the 100% of the relationship. So often individuals hear the advice that a relationship is a 50/50 deal. We completely disagree with that. What happens when someone has a bad day? What happens when one of those people just can’t be there for a bit because of a physical or mental illness that they are fighting? Each partner must be willing to give 100% the entire time or else nobody has a place to slack off when they don’t have full energy.
So, let’s get kinky. Your partner has been great about being honest about not only his past but his desires as well. That’s a sign of a great partner. What we are seeing is that the pair of you has a great foundation. From our point of view, we are seeing a great foundation for further communication, negotiation, and fun. These are the key things involved in people that play in the kink community. You have the basement, so let’s build the house.
We are going to play Nancy Drew for a bit here because of a phrase that you used. You mentioned that many of his fantasies involve you as the central focus. While the idea of you being used as a whipping post or perhaps a pincushion gets us going sexually, we suspect that it might not be the case. We have a theory that he wants to submit to you, and that is yummy and delicious.
So first we are going to suggest something that might not have occurred to you in your mainly vanilla experience... damn we said vanilla, please allow us to explain. We here at Ask an Alaskan to do not have a problem with vanilla. We love it. There are just some of us that believe that vanilla is better when you spice it up with other flavors!
Digressing. Have you thought of finding someone to come in that will merely satisfy the more erotic and exotic parts of your boyfriends fantasy while also teaching you? For someone that is wanting to submit, the idea of two tops, (that’s what we call the person dominating someone in a kink situation), could be extremely exciting to them! There could also be other ways to satisfy his desires that don’t involve props also.
When we start to think about kink, it’s often the Hollywood, 50 Shades of Gray bullshit that we have been force fed. That’s all some bored housewives version of how things go. In the real-world domination can take many forms. Perhaps he could give you a bath, shave your legs, and towel dry you while you give him instructions. It could even be as tame as you tell him to cook and clean and giving him a punishment and reward system for his behavior. It does not even have to be sexual. Make him sleep on the floor if he is a naughty boy!
We are really impressed with the level of communication that you and your boyfriend already have. With just a little bit more education into the subject we are confident that you will be able to find a compromise that works for each of you. If you are looking for another person to bring into the mix, fetlife.com is a great website to find local people. If you are looking for more information into actual techniques, you can always Google BDSM for beginners. There are lots of websites that guide you through some basic bondage, candle, and spanking techniques. Good luck and Keep It Kinky!
The Alaskans are not a group of bored housewives or newbies to the world of kink. If you have questions about any of that or anything in between drop a query to email@example.com