Hello, I am very worried about my relationship with my new girlfriend. I am a 34 year old man that is dating a 32 year old girl. Recently she has started t share some of her fantasies with me. She wants me to degrade her while she gives me head. I am very satisfied with our sex life. My fear is that that she will want more after this. The words she wants me to call her are against my nature. She wants me to to call her a “dirty cum slut and a cock sucking whore”. This actually goes against my feminist nature and I want to respect her wishes while also respecting her. Can you help?
Okay. We adore you for having your ideals. You are having issues with your relationship because you really care about your partner and that is adorable. Here is what we would like to discuss about your letter.
OMFG. DEGRADATION IS SO HOT!!!!! But seriously. If your girl is into it, you should do it. But we would like to offer some options that make it better for everyone. First, your partner gave some pretty specific words that she wants to be called. In our experience the people that want to be degraded usually ask for specific words because they are looking to be called things that they know they are not. It’s a fantasy bud. Why do you have a problem giving a woman what they are asking for? Maybe you aren’t actually a feminist?
Here is the thing that we learned about humiliation and degradation that you and your partner may need to speak about. This is one form of play that really needs a deep conversation. We were once given the advice that the words that are used to need to be clear and concise. The person that we learned from was the CEO of a company and her husband would degrade her at home. She told us that she picked each of the words that he was allowed to use. He was able to call her a stupid slut because she knew that she was neither of those things, he was allowed to call her an idiot and a useless being because she knew that she was smart and capable. She had banned words that mentioned her weight or her age because those were things that she actually had concerns about.
This is another situation where we would like to mention that in most dominant versus submissive relationships it is the person that is receiving the punishment that has all of the control. Your partner is asking for this to happen to her. Since it is her request, you actually aren’t taking power away from her by fulfilling this request. It is actually the most feminist thing you can do to give her what she is asking for.
Hi Alaskans. My sexuality is in turmoil right now. I don’t know what I identify as and I want it to be more clear. Here is the thing, I am not sure about my sexuality because of my turn on’s. I know that if I were to be in a relationship it would be a female, but when I watch porn I only want to watch guys having sex. I only enjoy putting my penis into women, but I also know that I really want to give oral sex to guys. I am not sure how I feel about men going down on me. Am I gay? Am I bi? I don’t know exactly who I am.
Well here is the thing about sexuality. You are the only person that needs to define it. You don’t even have to discuss your desires and what you want to do with anyone other than the person that you want to do them with. You don’t have to tell them more than your limits and cravings for more than what you want to do with them.
When it comes to sexuality people tend to forget that there is more of a breakdown than we expect. Our interests in other humans when it comes to sex define our sexuality. Homosexuality is being attracted to the same gender as yourself, heterosexuality is being attracted to another gender other than yours, bisexuality is being attracted to your own genders, and other genders. The thing about all of these is that it is about sex. There is more.
Then we have romance. You can be exclusively attracted one gender, or multiple genders when it comes to sex, but you can exclusively only develop romantic feelings for a single gender. This is ok. It’s actually quite normal. We have experienced many relationships with dear friends that feel closer and more romantic than the ones we have with committed sexual partners. In our opinion this is where the term bromance comes into play. It’s not uncommon for many heterosexual women to describe their best friends as their wives and partners. You can also be a person that is only interested in sex and not inclined towards loving feelings in the least, and this would be described as aromantic.
When we break it all down, someone could describe themselves as heterosexual, aromantic (interested in all genders when it comes to love), and gender non-binary.
The thing about gender, sexuality, and romance, is that it is all fluid as well. We believe that people don’t go through phases or experiment as much as they are simply at a point in their lives where one thing interests them more or less. This fluidity is real and needs to be recognized.
As far as your sexuality goes we think that you can identify as anything that you want. We have someone in our group that identifies as homosexual panromantic cisgender with femme tendencies. This is OK. It is who they are. We hope that you find yourself at peace with your turmoil but if you ever need someone to talk to us you are welcome to write us back. We can help counsel you on a more private level, or recommend some amazing professionals in town that can help guide you through this.