Nate Crawford

While much of Alaska's Alt-Right appears to be fleeing to safer havens like Gab or Telegram, conservatism still has one local rising star left on Facebook.

On Sunday, “All Conservative” Nate Crawford sent me message expressing his displeasure. One thing led to another, and the Big Red Hat agreed to go on the record and give us his conservative take on hot-topics facing Alaska, Anchorage and the country. His answers are presented exactly as written, caps and all.

As a self-described “All Conservative” man, what are your views on marriage equality?

MARRIAGE EQUALITY? THAT’S A TOUGH ONE. ON ONE HAND, I FEEL LIKE WE ARE WELL PAST THE POINT OF SAYING THAT WOMEN SHOULDN’T HAVE A SAY IN THE MARRIAGE. ON THE OTHER SIDE, IF I GAVE MY WIFE ANY MORE FREEDOM FROM THE HOUSE, SHE WOULD PROBABLY FIND OUT WHO I’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH ON MY VOLLEYBALL NIGHTS.

The current controversy surrounding the purported “Nazi” Alaska license plates — What’s the conservative opinion? Should language such as, “3REICH, SS8888, and FUHRER” be permitted on license plates?

I CAN’T CLAIM TO BE THE SOLE VOICE ON CONSERVATISM. SO I TALKED TO MY GRANDFATHER MAX ABOUT THIS QUESTION. MY GRANDFATHER, YOU SEE, HE’S OLD. SUPER OLD. HE’S PRESENTLY 97 YEARS OLD. HE WAS A PARATROOPER IN THE ARMY IN WORLD WAR II. THEY DROPPED HIS ASS IN FRANCE AND HE SPENT THE REST OF THE WAR SLAUGHTERING GERMANS ALL THE WAY TO BERLIN. THEY SPENT ANOTHER TWO YEARS JUST TRYING TO STITCH HIM BACK TOGETHER. HE HAS THESE SPLOTCHES ON HIS HANDS THAT I SWEAR ARE BLOODSTAINS THAT HE WAS NEVER ABLE TO WASH OFF, BUT I’M NOT SURE. HE DOESN’T TALK ABOUT THEM. HE DOESN’T TALK ABOUT THE WAR AT ALL. TALKING TO HIM IS LIKE TALKING TO A MAN ON CONTINUOUS PTSD. YOU CAN JUST SEE THE HORROR OF WAR IN HIS EYES. YOU CAN HEAR IT IN HIS VOICE.

MY GREAT UNCLE WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAT EVER HINTED AT WHAT MY GRANDPA EXPERIENCED. HE SAID MY GRANDFATHER HAD BEEN PART OF A SMALL UNIT OF SOLDIERS THAT HAD BROKEN THROUGH INTO A FORTIFIED TOWN IN CENTRAL AUVERGNE. WHEN THEY ARRIVED, THE NAZIS HAD JUST FINISHED EXECUTING ALL THE CHILDREN IN TOWN. THEY HAD LINED THEM UP. TIED THEM UP. BUT THEY HADN’T SHOT THEM. THEY HACKED OFF THEIR HEADS WITH A MACHETE ONE BY ONE AS THE OTHER CHILDREN WERE FORCED TO WATCH, CRYING IMPOTENTLY UNTIL THEIR OWN EXCRUCIATING DEMISE.

SOMETHING BROKE MY GRANDFATHER PERMANENTLY RIGHT THEN AND THERE. MY GRANDFATHER ABANDONED HIS RIFLE. HE PICKED UP THAT MACHETE. HE CHARGED AT AND HACKED APART EVERY SURVING NAZI HE COULD FIND IN THAT TOWN. THEY COULDN’T ESCAPE HIM. THEY COULDN’T RUN FAST ENOUGH OR FAR AWAY ENOUGH FROM HIM.

BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE. FROM THEN ON, MY GRANDFATHER, ‘MACHETE MAX,’ CHOPPED HIS WAY ACROSS THE ENTIRETY OF WESTERN EUROPE LIKE SOME SORT OF CRAZED, VENGEFUL ANIMAL. SCREAMING AND CHARGING AND HACKING AT EVERY NAZI HE COULD FIND. ALL THE WAY TO GERMANY. ALL THE WAY TO BERLIN. HIS FACE AND UNIFORM WERE COVERED IN A DEEP SEATED MAGENTA THAT HE REFUSED TO WASH OFF UNTIL HITLER’S EVIL CORPSE AND THE ENTIRE NAZI EMPIRE WAS DRIVEN INTO THE GROUND.

IN ANY CASE, I INTERRUPTED MY GRANDFATHER WHILE HE WAS WATCHING SEAN HANNITY LAST NIGHT, AND HE STARTED DESERVEDLY RANTING ABOUT SOME STUFF HE HEARD ON LIMBAUGH THAT MORNING, AND ALSO SOME OTHER NEWSMAX ARTICLES HE READ THAT AFTERNOON, AND HOW THE LIBERALS ARE TRYING TO TAKE OUR GUNS, AND POISON US, AND PUT US ALL IN PRISON. AND HOW IF THE LIBERALS COME FOR OUR GUNS AND OUR NAZI-THEMED LICENSE PLATES, THEY WILL PROBABLY PUT US ALL IN CAGES NEXT. THAT’S WHAT LIBERALS DO. THAT’S WHAT THEY WILL ALWAYS DO.

ANYWAYS, I THINK GRANDPA IS OKAY WITH THE NAZI PLATES.

What are your thoughts on allegations that there was massive voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election?

I TALKED TO MY GRANDFATHER ABOUT THIS ONE TOO. AND ABOVE ALL, I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR TO LABEL THE CAPITAL PROTESTORS “NAZIS.” THEY AREN’T NAZIS. THEY CAN’T EVEN SPEAK GERMAN. YOU CAN CALL STATE HOUSE REPRESENTATIVE DAVID EASTMAN “DAVID EICHMANN” ALL YOU WANT, BUT YOU SHOULDN’T. IT’S NOT FUNNY, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES EVERYONE WILL EVENTUALLY REPEAT IT.

UNFORTUNATELY, I THINK WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FINALLY ACCEPT THAT JOE BIDEN STOLE THE ELECTION FAIR AND SQUARE. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR US? PROBABLY YEARS OF CRIPPLING PROSPERITY AND TYRANNICAL SOCIAL JUSTICE. SOMETIMES THERE ARE WINNERS AND SOMETIMES THERE ARE LOSERS. AND I GUESS, ULTIMATELY, TRUMP LOST THIS ONE. HE ENDED UP BEING THE LOSER IN ALL THIS. THE BIGGEST LOSER OF THEM ALL.

I THINK ABOUT MY HERO DONALD TRUMP RIGHT NOW. I THINK ABOUT HOW SAD AND ALONE HE FEELS. MOST OF THE COUNTRY, MOST OF THE WORLD, MAYBE EVERY SENTIENT BEING IN THE GALAXY IS JOYOUSLY CELEBRATING HIS DEFEAT. THEY ARE CELEBRATING HIS HUMILIATION, AND THEY WILL NEVER STOP. EVERY DAY, SOMEONE FLIES A BANNER BEHIND AN AIRPLANE OVER HIS HOME PROCLAIMING HIM TO BE A BIG STUPID LOSER. PEOPLE ARE CANCELING THEIR MEMBERSHIPS AT MAR-A-LAGO, AND NO ONE WANTS TO STAY AT ANY OF HIS PROPERTIES. AT SOME POINT VERY SOON, HIS FAILING BUSINESSES AND HIS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF DEBT ARE GOING TO COME CRASHING DOWN ON HIM AND HE WILL BE UTTERLY DESTITUTE. LIKE, HE WOULD HAVE TO WORK FOR CENTURIES TO HAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS THE AVERAGE FAST FOOD WORKER HAS IN THEIR BANK ACCOUNT. HE IS BROKE. SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE BROKE.

TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, HE CAN’T EVEN COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY OF THIS ON TWITTER OR FACEBOOK OR YOUTUBE OR PARLER. OR DIGG OR FARK. OR GEOCITIES. OR RANDOM BBS BOARDS YOU HAVE TO DIAL INTO WITH A 1,200 BAUD MODEM IF YOU CAN EVEN FIND A LANDLINE CONNECTION ANYWHERE.

ON TOP OF THAT, THE SENATE WILL PROBABLY SUCCESSFULLY PREVENT HIM FROM EVER RUNNING FOR OFFICE AGAIN. A BUNCH OF BACKWARDS LIBERAL STATES WILL PROBABLY SUCCESSFULLY PRESS CHARGES AGAINST HIM, AND HE WILL UNFAIRLY SPEND MOST OF THE REST OF HIS LIFE IN A RATTY PRISON CELL MANNED BY A FEW SECRET SERVICE AGENTS WHO WEAR EARPLUGS ALL THE TIME AND DESPISE HIM AND WHO WON’T EVEN BRING HIM A DIET COKE. MELANIA WILL LEAVE HIM, AND HIS DISGRACED CHILDREN WILL BE DESTITUTE PARIAHS THAT CAN’T EVEN GET MEMBERSHIP TO THE BEST BUY REWARDS CLUB.

ANYWAYS, THAT’S SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. TRUMP DID A LOT OF GREAT THINGS FOR THIS COUNTRY. AMAZING THINGS. AND IT’S TERRIBLE TO THINK ABOUT ALL THESE TERRIBLE THINGS THAT ARE ULTIMATELY GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM.

The Recall Dunleavy campaign says that Governor Dunleavy has done “damage” to our state. What do you think? Has Governor Dunleavy been good or bad for the state of Alaska?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS QUESTION. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GOTCHA QUESTION. EVERYONE RECALLS WHO DUNLEAVY IS. THE MAN IS SOMETHING LIKE EIGHT FEET TALL. THIS IS A DUMB QUESTION.

WHETHER DUNLEAVY HAS BEEN GOOD OR BAD, THE UNDISPUTED FACT IS THAT DUNLEAVY HAS BEEN PRESENT. WHETHER THERE IS A COVID CRISIS, AN ONGOING UNSOLVED FISCAL EMERGENCY, SCHOOLS TO CLOSE, LEASES IN ANWR FOR THE STATE TO BUY, OR WHATEVER ELSE HE DOES, DUNLEAVY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. STANDING THERE. LISTENING. ABSORBING ALL THE INFORMATION HE CAN BEFORE HE DECIDES TO ULTIMATELY THINK ABOUT SEEING IF SOMEONE ELSE… MAYBE A MAYOR OR ASSEMBLYPERSON OR A STATE SENATOR… WILL HOPEFULLY TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEM FOR HIM. DUNLEAVY KNOWS HIS LIMITATIONS, AND HE KNOWS THAT IF HE CAN WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT, THEY WILL ULTIMATELY DO IT BETTER. THAT’S THE SIGN OF TRUE LEADERSHIP. KNOWING YOUR LIMITATIONS AND LETTING PEOPLE SMARTER, MORE CREATIVE, AND MORE HARD WORKING THAN YOU ARE ULTIMATELY DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU.

State Senator Lora Reinbold posts articles of questionable origin that say the mRNA vaccine is dangerous and icky. Will you be getting the COVID-19 vaccine?

LOOK, THE VACCINE IS HERE. THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO TO STOP LIBERALS FROM INJECTING THEMSELVES WITH IT, AS MUCH AS WE TRY TO STOP THEM FROM DOING SO. THE MOST WE CAN DO IS TRY TO DELAY HOW LONG IT IS BEFORE THE LIBERAL BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FORCES US CONSERVATIVES TO TAKE THE VACCINE. I KNOW MY WIFE’S PARENTS ARE ELIGIBLE, BUT I KEEP TELLING THEM NOT TO TAKE IT. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS. IT HAS TOO MANY SIDE EFFECTS, WHATEVER THEY ARE. THE THING IS, DESPITE ALL THESE CAMPAIGN RALLIES I KEEP ATTENDING FOR ANCHORAGE MAYORAL CANDIDATES DAVE BRONSON AND MIKE ROBBINS, THE CASES ARE STILL DECLINING IN THE STATE. I HAVEN’T FOR THE LIFE OF ME BEEN ABLE TO CATCH THIS THING. I’VE TRIED. BELIEVE ME, I’VE TRIED.

I KNOW, I KNOW. THERE’S A CHANCE OF ME DYING FROM IT, BUT WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS THERE’S A REALLY GREAT CHANCE OF MY WIFE’S PARENTS DYING FROM IT. THEY ARE BOTH OVERWEIGHT CANCER SURVIVORS WITH HEART CONDITIONS, AND HER MOM ALSO HAS DIABETES. THEY ALSO HAVE A PILE OF RETIREMENT CASH JUST SITTING THERE NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO NEED IT THE MOST.

IF THEY WERE TO SOMEHOW GET THIS MANUFACTURED FLU BEFORE THE PANDEMIC WINDS DOWN, THERE IS A REALLY GREAT CHANCE I’LL BE SPENDING 2022 ON A BEACH IN MEXICO, LISTENING TO JIMMY BUFFET ALL DAY WHILE MEXICAN WAITRESSES FEED ME CERVEZAS UNTIL MY LIVER STOPS FUNCTIONING.

You’ve recently referred to Suzanne Downing as a “TRUE ALASKAN” and you seem to highly regard her. What do you want Alaskans to know most about your favorite alt-right conservative blogger?

LOOK, I THINK BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SUZANNE DOWNING, I SHOULD UNEQUIVOCALLY STATE THAT YOU SHOULDN’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT PEOPLE BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT THEM. YOU NEED EVIDENCE TO BACK UP YOUR STATEMENTS. YOU CAN’T JUST RELY ON CONJECTURE OR HEARSAY. YOU NEED ACTUAL FACTS TO BACK UP YOUR STATEMENTS. AND YOU CAN’T JUST ASK OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS THAT ARE NEVER ANSWERED, QUESTIONS THAT ARE ONLY ASKED TO STEER PEOPLE TOWARDS THE INQUISITOR’S OWN CONCLUSIONS.

SO LET ME ASK YOU, WHO IS SUZANNE DOWNING?

WE ALL KNOW THAT SUZANNE DOWNING IS AN ALASKAN FIRST AND FOREMOST. A TRUE ALASKAN. ALASKA’S BEST AND MOST RESPECTED NEWS JOURNALIST. SURE WE MIGHT ASK QUESTIONS LIKE, WAS SHE BORN IN ALASKA? WAS SHE RAISED HERE? DID SHE GO TO COLLEGE HERE? DID SHE *FAIL* OUT OF COLLEGE? DID SHE EVER LIVE IN FLORIDA FOR YEARS, MAYBE DECADES ON END AFTER FINALLY GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE BEFORE ULTIMATELY MOVING TO ALASKA IN 1997, STAYING IN JUNEAU FOR A FEW YEARS, AND THEN MOVING BACK TO FLORIDA?

YOU MIGHT ALSO ASK IF SHE MOVED FROM FLORIDA BACK TO ALASKA IN 2008, AND THEN BACK TO FLORIDA IN 2016.

YOU COULD ASK QUESTIONS LIKE: IS SHE MARRIED? WHERE DOES HER HUSBAND CURRENTLY WORK? DOES HER HUSBAND MANAGE FLORIDA’S PUBLIC RADIO NETWORK AS THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR? DIDN’T HE WORK FOR ALASKA PUBLIC MEDIA ONCE? IF SO, ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD? IS HE WORKING AT PUBLIC RADIO TO SPY ON ANTIFA? OR IS THIS LIKE THE CINDERELLA ROMANCE OF KELLYANNE AND GEORGE CONWAY JUST AFTER THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE BUT BEFORE CHILD SERVICES CAME IN? COULD IT BE SOMETHING ELSE? DOES SUZANNE HAVE A DEEP DARK SECRET BURIED IN AN ALLEGORICAL CLOSET, A SECRET THAT COULD ULTIMATELY DESTROY HER?

YOU COULD ASK OTHER QUESTIONS LIKE: HOW MUCH TIME DOES SUZANNE ACTUALLY SPEND IN ALASKA? HOW MUCH TIME DOES SHE SPEND IN FLORIDA? HALF OF THE TIME? MOST OF THE TIME? DID SHE STILL RECEIVE PERMANENT FUND CHECKS WHILE WORKING IN FLORIDA? WAS SHE USING CARES ACTS FUNDS MEANT FOR ALASKA BUSINESSES WHILE TYPING UP BLOG ENTRIES AT A SWIMMING POOL IN TALLAHASSEE? IF SO, WAS THE POOL CLEAN?

DOES SUZANNE EVEN LIKE ALASKA? DOES SHE EVEN LIKE SALMON? DID SHE BUY HER ALASKA FLAG THEMED HAT IN A JUNEAU AIRPORT GIFT SHOP ON HER WAY HERE FROM FLORIDA TO COVER UP ANY SUNBURNS SHE MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN AFTER TOO MUCH SUN AT THE BEACH? IF SO, HOW BAD WAS THE SUNBURN?

YOU MIGHT ALSO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE, IS SUZANNE DOWNING ADDICTED TO FLORIDA, MUCH LIKE WILLIAM MILLER WAS ADDICTED TO TEENAGE GROUPIE AND MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL PENNY LANE IN THE MOVIE ‘ALMOST FAMOUS?’ DOES SUZANNE DOWNING LOVE FLORIDA (HER METAPHORICAL MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL) MORE THAN SHE LOVES THE ART OF JOURNALISM? LIKE WILLIAM MILLER, DOES SUZANNE WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH HER MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL AS POSSIBLE? OR DOES SHE REALLY WANT TO BE A JOURNALIST? YOU CAN’T JUST HALF ASS THIS ROLLING STONE PIECE WILLIAM. YOU THINK STILLWATER IS GOING TO PROMOTE THEMSELVES? QUALITY JOURNALISM DOESN’T WRITE ITSELF. IT TAKES DRIVE AND DEDICATION. AND ABOVE ALL, HONESTY. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DUMP THE GROUPIE AND GROW THE FUCK UP.

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