Dear AAA,

I am hoping you can answer this question for me. I am afraid to bring it up to my friends because I know they will roast me if they find out. I am a 21-year-old male and I recently had my first sexual experience. It was after a party and we were both a little tipsy, so it wasn’t like we were prepared. We made out for a while and then took off our clothes, there was some oral, and I fingered her, and it felt good at the time, but ever since I have had no interest in trying again.

It has even killed my interest in porn, which I used to watch regularly. I am not sure what could have killed my libido. I look at women and while I think they are beautiful; I have no interest in them sexually. It’s the same as when I see a good-looking guy, nothing. What could have happened in that one drunken hook up to make me not interested in sex anymore?

More inside

— Libido-less

First, thank you for trusting us with this question. It is a tough one because there could be several answers. It all starts with the fact that there is an entire world out there beyond straight, gay, bi, and pansexual, when we are discussing sexual identities.

In one scenario, you might have just learned that you are demisexual. This means that you are aroused by an emotional connection and require one in order to be intimate with someone. That one drunken hookup would feel cheap and meaningless, and you could be struggling with the concept of sex, because your only experience with it was a situation that had no emotions at all attached. The only way to know would be to explore more of what aroused you about the porn that you had previously watched. Was it couples making love? Was there a passion and intimacy that was not present the first time that you go to experience that with someone? Any of those things, and we could be simply talking about you needing more than just the physical to get aroused.

Next scenario. You aren’t comfortable with the way things went down that night. Was it something you wanted to happen? Was there full consent? Perhaps you need to contact the other person that was involved and reconcile some feelings about that encounter. If you aren’t feeling good about how everything went down those emotions could easily be killing your desire for another situation like that.

There is another possibility. You could be asexual. There are asexual people that masturbate. There are asexual people that have sex. This does not make them more or any less asexual. In the past, your porn-viewing could have been based in curiosity, and now that the act itself is not a mystery, you aren’t interested. This is completely valid. You do not have to want sex. You do not have to experience desire for sexual contact with other people. It is OK for you to step back and figure out whether sex is something that you are interested in. We are very against slut shaming because it is rooted in making someone feel terrible for their sexual choices and identity. We feel the same way if anyone were to shame you for not being interested in sex at all. If your friends roast you for being in control of your body, you might need new friends.

The final thing we want to tell you is that sexuality is extremely fluid. You are feeling this way right now. That may very well change down the road, or not. No matter what, it is up to you, and nobody should make you feel badly for what you do. It’s your body. No matter what you decide to do, no matter what solution you come up with, if you are being consensual, safe, and sane, we support you.

Alaskans,

I have a problem with my boyfriend. I am a 22-year-old woman and I moved in with my boyfriend of three years a few months ago. This means that our sex life has become much more frequent. It also means that I am reaching my breaking point about our sex life. I thought that moving in together would mean that he would finally be able to get me off. It feels good, but he never quite gets me there. I have only had an actual orgasm twice in our entire relationship. The rest of the time I fake it so that I don’t hurt his feelings, and so that we can finish. I am not sure how to approach the subject with him. Please help?

Blue Clit

Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. STOP FAKING ORGASMS! No seriously, to everyone out there. STOP FAKING ORGASMS! We are going to rant here for a little bit.

First. For every person out there, that has ever had to fake an orgasm, it is the fault of every person out there who fakes orgasms! Stop it! If you are intimate enough with someone that their genitals are inside you, you should be adult enough to have a conversation about the fact that they are not exactly turning your crank. All you are doing is reinforcing their bad sex technique. Especially with your boyfriend! You have now trained him to do the things that don’t get you off by faking the “reward” that he is trying to get!

Second. Stop with this concept that all sexual activity must be centered around an orgasm, and that the only way to know that you are done is when you have both climaxed! Unless procreation is the goal, an orgasm should not be. Slow down. There is so much more about sex than finishing. Yes, it feels awesome. Yes, we have been taught by society that if we can give our partners orgasms, we are somehow the winner in this cosmic game of leapfrog. It’s a lie.

And while we are on the subject, his penis is not the center of the sexual activity either. What if you had a sexual encounter with your partner where his penis was not the focus at all? No penis in vagina, no blowjob, no hand job. Don’t even touch it. What if that sexual encounter was all about you? Maybe you are someone that does not get off from thrusting, and that oral and manual simulation would give you the orgasm that you so desperately want, but totally don’t deserve BECAUSE YOU FAKED AN ORGASM!

End Rant.

The Alaskans are a group of individuals with different sexual, emotional, and mental backgrounds and relationship status’s. If you want to pick their brain send an email to lastfrontierdating@outlook.com

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