Hey Alaskans, I have a situation and I need your help.
I recently became single after back to back long-term relationships. Three of them to be exact. Each of them ended the same way. I am still great friends with all my exes, but when it came time to close the deal, I am more focused on my career than I am to any relationship that makes me feel guilty for wanting to focus on it. I tend to date men that wish that I would be that stay at home wife type and that is just not me.
Ex number one recently moved back to Anchorage and we have gone out for drinks a few times. Out of any man I have ever been with, he is the most sexually compatible, and the one I was closest to marrying.
I recently proposed that he and I should start having a casual sexual relationship and he refused. He says that anything we do that is sexual would just be a rebound, or we would get directly back into a relationship and he does not think I am ready.
I am confused. At the risk of sounding typical, I am a “modern woman” and I would hope that a guy currently would be ok with a woman like me just wanting a casual sexual relationship. I am slightly hurt by his refusal and confused that a guy would turn me down. Can you help?
— Sassy and single
Hey there Sassy. There is so much of your letter than we agree with! Damn right, you are a modern woman that gets to enjoy your sexuality your way, and if you choose your career over a relationship that is your absolute right and privilege! Celebrate that shit!
There is one issue though. You seem to be asking others to participate in your sexuality without any concern as to what they want. You are also coming across as sort of sexist. Odd, isn’t it? Us calling a modern woman sexist. However, that is what we are seeing.
You say that you want a modern relationship with this man, a sexual hookup style relationship, but you aren’t taking his feelings into consideration at all. He very clearly stated his fears to you. Number one, that you would be treating him simply as a rebound.
This is a fair assessment on his part. You said yourself that you have been in back to back relationships, and while you don’t want another one at this time, you are asking him to start having sex with you. Ex-sex is the greatest rebound ever because you don’t have to even think about any sort of commitment on your part. You just get to have fun with someone that you already know with less consequences.
His second reason for not wanting to hook up with you is that he fears that the two of you might fall back into a relationship and for some reason he does not want that to happen or does not want it to happen right now. For you to completely disregard his feelings on this matter is selfish on your part, and you should really look at who you are in relationships.
Basically, we are getting the feeling that you get into relationships with men based on some other reason than love. We are going to assume that most of your exes are broken-hearted when you split up with them, and that you haven’t noticed. This could be a pretty dark assumption on our part, but the evidence is there in your letter.
Several times you hint to the fact, or flat out say, that you are a “modern woman,” meaning one that can have sex without love, and we are thinking relationships without commitment. You also say that the guys you date want to turn you into a stay at home wife kind of girl. So, you are dating men that have more traditional or conservative ideals.
We are completely guessing here, but could it be that you are misleading these men into thinking that you are something you are not, whether by omission or falsehood? While you are seeing them as the perfect accessory to your business casual life, they are seeing a future in you?
It’s not fair to go into any relationship without everyone being honest with each other. In this case, we think you need to be honest with yourself. You are really trying to have your cake and eat it, too, when it comes to ex number one. Maybe he is the most compatible because he is the first one that ever called you out on your bullshit. Sometimes passion comes from disagreements and we think he might have been the one to ignite your passion because he does not agree with you. Just something to think about.
The Alaskans have been dumped and dumped a lot of people. Tell us your story at firstname.lastname@example.org