Sex and Relationship advice for the Last Frontier
I have a potentially uncomfortable situation that I would love an answer to. I recently lost my partner and during the grieving process I discovered a question that I don’t know who to ask. My girlfriend and I had started to delve into some light kink and now that she has passed away, I am unsure what the etiquette is regarding the toys that we had purchased together. We had only really started to delve into the lifestyle and hadn’t ventured out to play with other partners, instead using the toys only with each other. Mainly what we had used was some insertable toys and some light bondage gear, blindfolds, restraints, and some impact toys.
My question is whether I should use these items with future partners, or should I just throw them away? If I do decide to venture into my local kink community, would others be weirded out by knowing I had used them with someone else before them.
Hi K.B., we would first like to offer our condolences on the loss of a partner. It is something very difficult and you have our hearts with you. We could write this entire column about how much respect we have for the situation you have found yourself in, but we will simply say that you are doing very well considering.
So, within the kink community there are a couple of ways that you can approach this subject. For many in the community there are items that they use with multiple partners. Some of these items are things like impact toys. These might include paddles, whips, slappers, canes, belts. If they are leather, wood, plastic etc. they can easily be cleaned of any bodily fluids that might remain and used safely with another person. Sometimes even in the same night.
There are other items that might be more difficult to clean, or very unsafe to do so. We don’t share many items from anything that include purposeful direct contact with blood such as medical staple guns or razors. One of the other things that can fall into this category is insertables. Unless you decide to use a condom on these toys, every single time, they are for one partner and one only. This means that even if she was inserting them in you, and you in her it is still not safe. Not even with the best toy cleaners in the world.
As far as restraints and leather gear go, those can be used with multiple partners if you are OK with cleaning them, just for safety.
Now of course all of this is completely up to you. You can do anything you want if you follow the third rule of what kinksters do. Safe, sane, and consensual is the general rule, but remember that the last part includes INFORMED consent. If you give a partner the information for them to give consent you are good to go.
Now for the emotional part of our response. We want you to take something into consideration when you are talking about using these toys with other people.
Can you handle the emotional response in yourself if your heart starts to break all over again by seeing them used with someone else? It’s something you need to check in with personally, and a possibility your future partners need to be informed of.
There is also the idea that you could become part of your local kink community. Figure out which items could benefit another couple or single person entering the scene and then gift the ones that could be reused. Certain items, like restraints or impact toys, could hold a certain level of what we like to call “sex magic” and maybe you could pass that on to deserving people or a person.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do. We are still here if you need to talk more about this subject.
My friend suggested that I write in because you seem to know something about kink, and I have just started a possible relationship with a new Dom. We are both newer to the scene and have questions about collaring. After four weeks my new partner and I have been looking into the BDSM scene and from what we can find online collaring is something we are bother interested in, but from what I can find it is a very solemn, intimate, and beautiful ceremony.
My new Dom mentioned that he already has my collar waiting for me when we are waiting to take that step. I know that he has collared someone in the past, and I don’t know what the protocol is when using someone else’s collar. Is it taboo? Are their different collars for play and different collars for a relationship? What if someone else recognizes the collar that I am wearing? What are my bosses going to say when they discover that I am wearing a dog collar around my neck? I can’t wear high neck shirts year-round.
Can you help?
— Distressed Pet
OK. Beyond wanting to giggle about the fact that we are going to call you DP, we have some very simple answers to your questions, which there are a lot of.
Honey. Its all up to you and your partner. Here is the thing DP. What does the collar mean to you and your Dom? Is it a marriage proposal? Is it a promise ring? Is it just something pretty for you to wear in the bedroom while you are on a leash?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE ONE TRUE WAY! Period, and, dot. You get to make up the rules of all commitments in your life as it goes. So, the questions ultimately fall back on you. Would it offend you to wear a collar that previously belonged to someone else? Well the great thing about kink is that even though you are submissive you get to negotiate things in your own way. You get to make rules. You want your collar to be brand new? Awesome. Ask for that. Would you like to have two different collars? Perhaps one for the bedroom, and one that looks more like a necklace that you can wear every day? Solid. Ask for that.
Just like with monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, and friendships we need to be comfortable negotiating every step of our lives. From how we get together, to how we break up, the important thing is conversation. Make sure that you map everything out.
We have been taught that anxiety is always negative. Sometimes it is the thing protecting you. Gut feelings are powerful. Learn how to use them to fuel more talking in your life, and you will find that many times the way you get what you are seeking is as easy as asking for it.
As far as collars go, at the end of the day they are as meaningless as wedding rings. It’s just pretty decoration until the people involved in the relationship put meaning into it.
The Alaskans love to sit around and discuss relationships of all kinds. Whether your question is about friendship, sex, marriage, kinks, or just why you hate your neighbors dog, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org