As impossible as it seems, Election Day is finally upon us.
It’s hard to imagine there’s too many undecided voters left out there, but let us take a crack anyway at helping you put together the coolest, most alt-weekly-minded ballot imaginable.
Some might say newspaper endorsements are passé, but to that we say we don’t know what that word means.
So off we go, from the top of the Alaska ballot on down…
Our Endorsement: Brock Pierce,
It’s hard to imagine a presidential candidate much more suited for an alt-weekly endorsement than Brock Pierce.
Dude was a child star in movies like The Mighty Ducks and First Kid and parlayed his earnings from that into an early investment into Bitcoin and became a billionaire overnight. At 39 years old, Pierce is the 9th richest Bitcoin investor in the world and now he’s running for president, as an independent trying to unite this fucked up country.
Even more alt, Pierce is a devotee of Burning Man and credits it with teaching him about the value of art and the power of giving. His campaign manager is Akon and he drives around in a Back to the Future replica DeLorean with the license plate ‘SATOSHI’, which is the smallest denomination of Bitcoin.
And don’t worry, a vote for Pierce isn’t a vote for Trump. Trump will still lose the popular vote and the Electoral College — and it will be called on election night — but he will take Alaska as a late night parting gift.
Look out for Pierce in 2024 with four years of flying around in his private jet and building consensus and opening local leaders’ eyes to innovation all around us.
Our Endorsement: Dr. Al Gross,
You probably noticed a fair bit of Al Gross for Senate ads in the pages of this paper and on our website. Don’t think that doesn’t go unnoticed by us, so if you want to dismiss this particular endorsement as bought-and-paid-for, I wouldn’t blame you. But as much as we all might decry the outsized role of money in politics, I would say something good has come from all of the money that’s poured into this Senate race.
Were it not for all the Lower 48 money funding this race on the Democratic side, the sting that got Pebble Mine CEO Tom Collier to out Sullivan as a secret supporter of the project, never would’ve happened.
And if it weren’t for the money that poured in after the Collier tapes, it’s doubtful anyone would’ve uncovered facts that are showing just what a sleazy, compromised, self-interested D.C. politician Dan Sullivan really is.
So yes, we should strive to get big money out of our elections, but to quote St. Augustine, “just not yet.”
Our Endorsement: Don Young
It’s not that Alyse Galvin hasn’t run a splendid race twice now, or that she wouldn’t make a fine Representative; the problem is that after the Democrats take the Presidency, the Senate and hold the House on Tuesday night, the mid-term election of 2022 will be a watershed victory for the Republicans, as history shows with few exceptions.
You can almost guarantee the Republicans will take back the House, and if Galvin is sitting in Alaska’s lone, at large seat, she’ll be a sitting duck in 2022.
On a national level, Republicans will have her targeted from day one of her term, and no matter how well she does as a rookie congressperson, she’ll be having to run for re-election from day one and almost certainly go down as a one-termer.
On the other hand, if Don Young wins one more time, does his usual fucking nothing for another two years in the minority party, in 2022, he’ll be almost 90 years old and the national backing Democrats would get to take down a vulnerable seat could be almost Al Gross-like in enormity.
Who knows if Alyse would have a third run in her, but 2022 would be a much more optimal time to finally knock off the Don.
Maybe in 2022, Galvin could run against Lisa Murkowski.
Ballot Measure 1
Our Endorsement: Yes
Alaskans have been getting screwed for years when it comes to oil tax revenues and a measure like this would’ve been far more enriching years ago.
The Alaska oil play is a shell of its former self and the fear mongering of the anti-BM 1 crowd, telling us that we’ll scare away investments from big oil companies if we tax them just a wee bit more, might finally have some truth to it. But ultimately voting Yes on 1 isn’t so much about the revenues it would bring in that would allow us to continue to have a PFD, it’s about the goddamned principle of the thing.
The oil companies scared Alaskans for years that they’d pick up and leave if we ever demanded a teensy better share and like good little abuse victims, we listened and we behaved. And what was our reward for being good little handmaids? BP picked up and left town anyway. We need to stand up to the oil companies that have taken advantage of us for years. Let them know we’re not going to take the abuse anymore. Yes on 1 isn’t a vote about revenue; it’s a vote about standing up for ourselves.
Ballot Measure 2
Our Endorsement: Yes
Ballot Measure 2 is a fantastic idea. Not because it will give independent and weird party candidates a little bit of a chance to win elections, and not because it will get ‘dark money’ out of elections — a cute fantasy — but because it will make elections in Alaska so much more interesting and less painful to try to follow.
Alaska is a very polarized state between Red and Blue areas and this makes its general elections incredibly boring and keeps turnout unsurprisingly low.
But that doesn’t mean primary elections in Alaska are any better. No, in fact it makes them cannibal feeding frenzies, the kind we saw this August when the Republican Party exploded insanity all over itself by running Tea Party whack jobs against their own experienced, established, incumbent candidates.
Each of these targeted, presumably capable statesmen and stateswomen went down in flames. You might think, ‘well, at least if you take the established name out of a race, at least the Democrats can come in and claim victories in the general.’
Wrong. Alaska is so polarized, anyone who wins the Republican Primary in a red district will win the general election, no matter how perfect a candidate the Democrat or Independent might be. As a result, we’re going to send a whole slew of these Tea Partiers and QAnoners to Juneau, where Gov. Dunleavy will have no problem adding them into his army of useful orcs.
Only Ballot Measure 2 can save us from these kinds of misadventures in anarchy.