Hi, Good Day,
Last winter I met this guy via a dating app. We started having sex regularly. He is the man of my dreams, however, he is not into relationship. After my confession I never ask him again about going to a relationship; instead I just enjoy the moment every time were having sex. This fall I found out that he is moving out from the state and i feel sad and totally destroyed about it. My question is what advice can you give to me to unlove my fubu? Ive been emotionally affected with this situation. I hope you can help me.
“In love with my Fubu”
Wow. That is a rough situation. We have been in similar places and through context realized that Fubu probably stands for “Fuck Buddy”. What a conundrum! You developed feelings for someone that you are having a sexual relationship with, this person is not reciprocating, and now he wants to leave state and you are going through the breakup feelings all by yourself. So, the advice that we have for you is really going to boil down to our most favorite topics; conversation, communication, and connection.
From your own “confession”, you say that you only had one conversation with the man of your dreams about being in a relationship. You stated that he told you that he is not ready for a relationship, and at that point you let it go. It sounds like you have these feelings for a long time, but instead of continuing that conversation you decided to just enjoy the pleasure that you were receiving even though it wasn’t exactly what you wanted. This is not a bad thing; however, it could be the reason that you are not getting what you want in interpersonal relationships in your life.
We have a topic we have touched on in previous columns called our “price of admission” theory. We must decide when we start a new relationship, or at any point in the middle of it what it is going to require for other people to, um, well, ride this ride, if you know what we are saying. This is a simple way of thinking about our limits and boundaries. Just like at a carnival we must have the correct amount of tickets, and be the proper height requirement, in our dealings with other humans we must set rules for what we will allow or want in our world. Your price of admission changed when you developed feelings for this man. You only informed him once and then let him keep riding even after he didn’t meet your needs.
So, at this point you did not continue to communicate with him. You just let him keep having his fun, enjoying what you could, until he informed you that he wants to move out of state. He was honest and forthright about this with you, and our theory is that you just let this conversation go by as well, hiding the part where you are heartbroken and distraught. Is it possible for you to move closer to where he is going as well? Has he given you the reason that he is not ready for a relationship? What would his reason be if the two of you were living in a completely different space? These are questions we have because you haven’t asked them of him either.
If you had decided to ask these questions you might discover that he can’t be in a relationship because his career or family are forcing him to stay in the closet, and he is really wishing for a situation where he could be out of the closet. Of course, that scenario doesn’t always play out in real life, but it could if we all decided to be more honest about the way that we are feeling and let our partners know exactly what is going on in our hearts and minds.
All these times that we are sitting in our own thoughts wondering what people are thinking of us, they are also sitting wondering what everyone else is thinking of them. It’s a little narcissistic honestly and the only way to know what is on other people’s minds is to ask.
So, the last part of this is connection. You specifically asked what advice we must help you get over your Fubu. You will need connections with other people. If you decide to have the conversations and communication that we are talking about and it does not end well, it will require other people for you to get over him. He could tell you that he never wants a relationship, never wants to see you again, or that you are simply good for sex. All these things would hurt badly. You will need to sit with those feelings, grieve the possibility of a relationship that you were hoping for, and then start to move on. This is when the other people come in. You will need friends, family, and hopefully new lovers to help you move on. You know, the best way to get over one person is to get underneath someone else.
Hopefully a lover that will not only be the person of your dreams, but you can be theirs as well. You don’t want someone that is willing to just be with you, but you want someone that truly desires you as much as you desire them. We hope that this all ends well for you. Please let us know if there is any other advice, we can help you with.
The Alaskan’s have had their hearts broken so many times they qualify for earthquake damage reimbursement. Thank goodness that we have $1605 dollars of retail therapy coming this weekend! (Not exactly $3000 is it?) If you need a shopping buddy or some love, relationship, sex, or kink advice please be sure to write in! email@example.com