Dear Alaskans,

I have seen that you have some insight into the gay community, and I am hoping that you can help me out. I recently turned 22 and I have been going out to the gay bars, when they are open, since I turned 21. I also use dating apps and have been having fun being able to meet other guys, but I haven’t found anyone to date yet. 

When I talk to guys online everything seems to be fine until we meet up in person. When I meet guys at the bar, we have good conversations, but I can’t seem to get further than that. Some of them became pretty good friends so I decided to ask them why they never pursued anything further. They basically told me that they are interested in dating “feminine” guys. One said that he is gay because he likes men and not women. That made me really uncomfortable. I am not the butchest guy, but I still think of myself as a man. Do you have any advice about how I could find a guy that likes me for me? I have heard of this being a problem for lots of guys. Is this just an Alaska thing? 

You are correct that this is something that happens in the gay community quite a bit. People get wrapped up in their types and preferences so much that they discount guys before actually giving them a chance. You no doubt have seen on the dating apps when people decide to put in their profile’s phrases like “No fats, no femmes, no Asians, no blacks.” Without even going into a rant about how that is blatant racism, it’s pretty gross that people on any sort of social media would cut out huge portions of the population before even having a conversation with them. 

This is not a problem that only happens among butch guys, twinks, or any other segment. We hear it all of the time. Bears that only date other bears, couples that end up looking more like brothers than partners, and men that fetishize a certain race or nationality and only go after guys that look like every other guy they have ever been with. 

This is not a problem that is localized to our state, although with a smaller community it may seem this way. Many of our problems seem amplified when you have less people. This is not the only example of misogyny within our community that is constantly a problem. We have heard guys say that they would never date a trans man, they would never date someone who does drag, and many other things that are really just internalized homophobia. One of the greatest things about being queer is that we are able to dance the line between masculine and feminine and we should be accepted by our community while we do it. We will say that you should not give up hope, there really is someone out there that will like you for you. Look around at other couple the next time you are out. For every pair of muscle boys that look like twins there is also a couple that looks nothing alike and has completely separate personalities. That’s another great thing about our community. Everyone is someone’s reason to masturbate. 

We would like to ask you a question now. Have you ever given a femme guy a chance or are you just chasing one type of guy? That’s another problem that we have come across more than once. Often times men in our community chase a particular look or attitude; usually guys that look like porn stars or underwear models, and never give anyone else a chance. If you are only interested in giving one type a chance don’t be surprised when someone does that same thing to you. 

Happy hunting. Let’s all keep an open mind and embrace all the different colors, body types, and attitudes that are out there. Someone just might surprise you. 

Hello there, 

I am a 30-year-old male and in most aspects of my life I consider myself to be a regular guy. I have been in three long term relationships in my life and slept with a handful of other girls. I recently started dating another girl and I think that I want to be with this one for a while. The problem is that the last girl I dated seriously was pretty kinky and got me into a lot of stuff that I had never even imagined before. She was pretty kinky and while some of it was scary at first, she taught me a lot. 

I like everything about this new girl, and the sex is good, but I can’t get over the things that I did with my previous girlfriend. Sometimes when I am jerking off, I find myself fantasizing about the current girlfriend doing a lot of those things to me, but I don’t think that she would be interested. She seems to like me to take control, and a lot of the things I want her to do involve her being aggressive and telling me what to do. Some of the other things involve toys that I am pretty sure she would never touch. 

How do I get the girl I am falling for to act like the girl that I used to be with? 

It’s a good question, and sexual incompatibility has been the downfall of many relationships. Honestly, we don’t think that it will be that hard to get the girl you are with to try some new things with you. Three years ago, OkCupid did a poll on their dating app and found that 70% of their users were into some form of kink. The top five most popular were spanking, nipple play, bondage, blindfolds, and biting. For most people we know those things would not even be considered kinky and some are just a normal part of foreplay, but those are kinks by the definition of the word. 

We suggest you start there. Are any of those part of your normal routine with the current girlfriend? If not, try introducing them. Start small and work your way up from there. Things like wax play, sensual massage, lingerie, and role play can open up someone’s mind to a new realm of possibilities. 

We want to point out some things that we read in your letter. You stated that you don’t think she would be interested. You are assuming that she does not have fantasies of her own. You have to broach the subject and talk with her about these things. If you don’t you will be stuck having your own dirty thoughts instead of naughty activities with someone you obviously care about. At one point you had a partner that introduced you to these activities, so what makes you think that you can’t be that same teacher for someone else?

We also are getting the sense that you like to be submissive sometimes in the bedroom. This is absolutely normal and does not make you any less of a man. Sometimes when you are in charge all day it’s nice to come home and be told what to do. Just remember to keep it safe, sane, and consensual and you will be just fine. 

We hope that all of your fantasies can be achieved and that you find the release that you are looking for. 

The Alaskans are a group of people that have experienced all of the orientations, kink, and fantasies that you only dream about. If you want to know more drop us a line at


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