Dear Ask An Alaskan,
I like May December relationships. Older men have always been my thing. I have been with a man that is 27 years my senior for nine months now. As we get closer, we have been getting into deeper conversations. I recently shared with him that as a child I survived some sexual trauma. This really freaked him out and now he believes that I have daddy issues and that I am into older men because of my past. How do I help him separate the two?
Not Daddy’s Girl
Interesting choice of name there friend. Okay, so your question was discussed at length, and we must tell you that not everyone was of the same mind about the answer that we chose. Some of us believe that your partner is correct, and you do have some “daddy issues” that need to be sorted out before you continue in this relationship. Some of us believe that you have those issues and you need to sort them out with your partner as you continue this relationship. The rest of us think that it sounds like you have already sorted those issues and what you are doing is how you have chosen to handle it.
Here is the thing. We all have daddy issues, mommy issues, neighbor issues. Everyone has issues, some people have subscriptions to those issues. So what? Tracking back the exact moment and reason that we have a type that we are into, or an interest in certain kinky things is easy.
Okay, so there is an issue that happened in your past. We are going to assume that someone in a father-type role betrayed you and hurt you. So, the way that you cope with this is by finding someone that is mature, stable, and older than you can trust, that does not hurt you. It sounds to us like that must feel pretty good. You must feel good that you have learned to trust people like that, and you have grown as a person. In our opinion your partner should feel honored that you have chosen him as the person you can trust. Many people in a similar situation go the other way and are never able to trust a person that reminds them of their victimizer ever again.
There have also been studies of people using BDSM to heal from some trauma. They want to be able to recreate situations where they were not given a choice; to be able to have the power to say no, to have a safe word, to stop any time.
The thing is that if everyone involved in a situation is participating with informed, enthusiastic, sober consent, then it becomes a matter of radical personal responsibility. While we don’t think that what you are doing is wrong in any way, we do support your partner’s feelings, as well. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to go see a professional together. You might have worked on the issues that you have, but there may be some that he needs to unpack. You are only nine months in to this relationship. It’s probably a good time to learn some skills that will help in case this comes up again in the future.
Recently I have noticed a couple times that my girlfriend has watched some lesbian porn. It’s left in her search history and so I have watched it also. It’s not the kind I normally watch, but I like it. I am pretty sure this means that she would be into the idea of a threesome. I have already told her that I would be into that, but previously she had said she wasn’t into the idea. How do I go out and find that elusive unicorn so that I can make both of our fantasies come true?
Hey there Happy. We hope that happiness is your general disposition and not because you are anticipating a threesome that is probably not going to happen. Yeah, we said it.
Of course, we could be wrong. Your girlfriend could be trying to prepare herself for the idea of a threesome that she wants to surprise you with. You could be close to getting that ultimate fantasy of straight men everywhere, but we doubt it.
You said that the porn she was watching was different than the kind you watch. Let us guess. Were the nails shorter? Was it more romantic and passionate? Did the orgasms take longer than 5 minutes to achieve? Most girl-on-girl porn out there is not made for women, it’s made for guys that are exactly like you. It’s unrealistic and if it were real, the performers would need hazard pay for what they put up with.
We are thinking that your situation has one of two answers: First, that she has considered fulfilling your fantasy, watched some porn, decided she isn’t into it, and you are shit outta luck.
Second option. She listened to your fantasy request, found some porn to think about the idea, really liked the porn and realized that those women didn’t need a guy and neither does she. You clearly said that the links you found were for lesbian porn, not FMF, (Female, Male, Female), threesome, or orgy. She specifically hunted down lesbian porn, and it sounds like she looked for lesbian porn that was made by women, for women. This leads us to believe that she isn’t thinking about activities that require your penis in any way.
Yeah, that answer is kind of harsh, but since you are the type of guy who decides to write us for advice on how to surprise her with a threesome that she didn’t ask for, you deserve it. Your first step should have been to sit down and have an adult conversation with your girlfriend. Just don’t be surprised if it doesn’t end up the way you want. We are thinking that her fantasies involving another woman don’t involve you at all.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Want to join the group of local lovers and friends that answer these questions? Shoot us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org