I recently decided to begin to experiment with some fantasies that I have had for a while. I had always considered myself completely heterosexual, but I had a nagging desire to mess around with a guy. I decided to start looking up some stuff online, and as I explored, I realized that my fantasies were more about being dominated by a man, and that my fantasies with women still consisted mainly of me being the one in control. I guess this made me bi-curious. I was single for a while and thought that this may be the perfect time to explore my fantasy. I found a guy online and we chatted for a while, and I told him what I wanted to do. He seemed very into it, and we set a date to get together and do the things we had talked about.
He came to my house to pick me up and we went out to his house. We did everything that we had discussed and then some more. When we were finished with everything, he got pretty quiet. I was pleased with what had happened, but after he took me home, I realized that I had never even gotten his name. I was simply calling him Sir for the entire time that we had been talking. I want to try more with him and with other people, but now I can’t find him online and I am not sure what to do.
— Slutty Newbie
Oh wow, you are definitely a newbie. Ok, so we want to discuss a lot of what you wrote to us about. First, we are very excited that you have taken the plunge to exploring your sexuality and your newfound desire for kink. That is very healthy and you should be encouraged to do it more. When we are exploring, we also have to be aware of safety and some other things that we usually don’t learn until we have made the mistake. So please, listen to what we are about to say and learn from ours.
Diving into the world of kink is fun and thrilling. What you did was unsafe and downright scary. We would like to list out the way we would have done this.
First. We would have asked to first meet in a public place. You knew nothing about this person besides what he told you online. Did you Skype or Facetime him? You also said you don’t know how to get ahold of him so we are going to assume that you never got his phone number. Besides where he lives, you know nothing about this guy. However, he knows where you live, and has the address because he came to pick you up. You are at a severe disadvantage here. He could have done anything to you that he wanted when he got you back to his house because you gave him all of the power. That is not what being submissive is about.
Next, we would have vetted him. Anyone that has been into the kink lifestyle long enough usually has at least a couple people that will vouch for them that they know what they are doing. It also would have given you some more information about who he is. Again, you know nothing about this man, but you let him take you to a secluded place.
On that note, when we go to meet someone for the first time, we always have a safe call in place, and we make sure that our new play partner knows that we will be checking in with our safe call before the encounter ever begins. You need to have someone that knows where you are going, you need to have someone that you can check in with when you leave safely. There are a lot of weirdos out there that do not understand what consent really means, and predators are really good at hiding their true nature.
Speaking of consent. You stated that you did everything you discussed and more. The “and more” is actually troubling us quite a bit. When we are in the middle of a play scene, whether it is sexual, BDSM based, or anything where we are feeling all of the yummy fun feelings that play brings up, we aren’t in the proper head space to negotiate more than what we talked about when we were clear headed. You get into the sort of head space that makes you want to go further than what you were originally comfortable with. That type of thing can be really dangerous and lead to injury or difficult emotions in the next few days. The limits and negotiations before the scene are what should be adhered to.
Finally, you did not get his name. Not even a dungeon nickname or anything that would identify him. If you went to a local kinky meetup and told people that you played with someone named “Sir” you would get quite a few strange looks because so many people are called that. It’s not a name. It’s a title of respect.
Now we understand that CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) and Stranger Danger type of play can be really sexy and fun, but even when the kinkiest among us play that way we have someone there that is looking out for our best interests. We like to call ours a “Battle Buddy”. Someone that is there to make sure that things don’t go too far, and we are not going to be injured by these anonymous sex partners.
In the end the person submitting always needs to have safe words in place, actions negotiated in advance, and a clear definition of limits. We encourage you to continue to explore these fantasies and desires that you have, but we would suggest finding some people experienced in the BDSM lifestyle to get some advice, and maybe you could even have a non-judgmental person to be your safe call or Battle Buddy.
This advice also goes for any type of non-kink dates that you might go on. When you are meeting people offline or for blind dates, you are responsible for your safety and you need to make sure that you are taking care of you.
The Alaskans are a group of friends with varying degrees with sexuality, interpersonal relationships, and life. If you would like solicited advice write us at firstname.lastname@example.org