I am having a problem with my current boyfriend. I was looking through the search history on our computer and I found out that he had been watching a bisexual porn. He tried to tell me that it wasn’t him, but there are only the two of us living in our apartment. I brought it up a second time to get more information and he got very angry and said that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
A few days later he apologized for the explosion and confessed that when he was younger, he used to mess around with a guy in college that would give him head. He claims that he isn’t bisexual and that it was a solo situation that he does not plan on repeating.
I am worried that he isn’t being honest with himself and that if he continues to lie to himself, he will end up cheating on me. I would also like to speak to him more about this, but I am not even sure how I feel about it. I don’t know if I am ok being in a relationship with someone that could leave me for a guy at any moment.
— Any advice?
Well, we are going to agree that you have some problems, and some of them are with you.
Your boyfriend has shared something with you that has probably been problematic for him his entire life. The shame that men feel from having any sort of homosexual interactions is an issue that continues to plague us. No matter what his reasons were for having this previous encounter. There is an internalized homophobia that men have to face from other men when they reveal any sort of attraction to their same sex.
We understand that you are able to have some fear in regard to this information. The reason that you should be feeling fear however is because of the dishonesty. When we commit to another person enough to move in with them, we should be able to trust that we know everything important about them. Your partner has given you knowledge about him that you feel is a huge part of his history and you are feeling slighted that it took this long for the information to be presented.
You are allowed or have strong feelings about this new information. You are not allowed to do anything that makes your partner feel shame about this information. The difference will be how you approach this situation and also how you react and make him feel when he decides to share more information with you.
There is a really good chance that your partner is being honest with you when he says that this was a one-time situation and that he does not have any interest in being with men sexually. There is also a really good chance that sometimes, like all of the rest of us, he likes to watch porn that involves activities that he doesn’t have any interest in engaging in currently. What if he was thinking back on this previous sexual encounter and wondering if it would have been better if there had been a woman involved? Also, there is a comment from one of the snarkier members of our group: “What if it was just really good oral and she isn’t that good at it?”
While we normally don’t love that level of sass when it comes to this column, it’s a valid point. Can we also add that it’s pretty much bullshit that our society accepts that women having a “phase” in college is OK, but there is a total refusal to understand that sometimes men might go through a period of time when they want to experiment with other men and that it might just be something that happens? We understand that this is just the patriarchy making sure that men are never seen as weak, but we still think it’s total crap.
Now we need to address the rest of your letter. Bisexual people are not more inclined to cheat. Infidelity is a moral and ethical choice. It has nothing to do with someone’s sexuality. If your own honor code does not allow you to understand that honesty and communication are important in a relationship you are a shitty person and you should probably figure yourself out before you commit to anyone. Please don’t ride the line of bi-phobic behavior if and when you have another conversation about this with your partner. He is probably feeling pretty raw and exposed right now, and the future of your relationship depends on how you respond next.
I am having a huge brawl with a friend of mine right now. I consider myself pansexual and a newer friend of mine has declared that they are bisexual. As a self-declared social justice warrior, I have come to realize that saying the term bisexual is actually problematic because it means that you only believe that there are two genders. This offends me because I am friend with many genderqueer, non-binary, and gender fluid people. Can you help me out? I want to put them in their place.
— Pan and Proud
Ooooh. You aren’t going to like us. Your friend is right, you are wrong.
In our time on this planet we have been allowed and blessed enough to interview, talk to, and spend time with lots of bi and pan people. These are things that we have found.
Pan people usually talk about the emotions that people make them feel before they talk about their body parts.
Bi people usually talk about the amazing sexy human that they have met but rarely mention the gender.
Bilingual people do not believe that there are only two languages.
Pansexual people have found a word that connects to them and it helps them find an identity.
Bisexual people have found a word that connects to them and it helps them find an identity.
Here is the thing kid, people are allowed to have their own words. There is a huge debate in the LGBTQIA+, (or as we like to call it, GSM, short for Gender and Sexual Minority) about the term ‘Queer.’ Many people have had that word weaponized against them, but for some it is the most fitting, and honestly the best description of who they are as a human. Stop looking for the differences between you and your friend and get into the similarities. That will be what truly bonds us as a community.w