I am a local Alaskan woman and have never really had a problem with dating until lately. It seems like your column is really kink friendly and I can’t find anywhere else that I can ask this question. I am well known in the community so I cannot risk going to any of the local BDSM groups for advice, and every time I try to get advice from kink friendly places on the internet the suggestions are pretty one sided. My partner and I started out kinky and it has always been fun. Now it is a decade later and it seems like we have hit the wall with how far I am willing to go. My girlfriend however wants to keep diving down the rabbit hole. When we play, she has always been the dominant one and I really enjoy that, but now she is talking about evolving our dynamic to one of master and slave. I am not sure how to satisfy her, and make sure that I am not pushed somewhere I don’t want to go. I don’t think I am ready to make the jump from playtime to lifestyle.
First let us say that it sucks that you feel like you can’t be out regarding loving your way, but we understand. It sounds like you have already come out of some closets and you understand what a risk it can be.
It’s interesting to us that after ten years your partner is wanting to make this leap. We are left wondering if this is something she has wanted all along and is now being more vocal, or perhaps it is becoming something that she is requiring in order to keep the relationship going. In many power exchange relationships, the individuals start with a more restricted dynamic that eventually becomes more commonplace and relaxed as time goes on. Have you taken the time to ask her why she is looking for this level of authority at this point in the relationship? If your experiences with BDSM have mainly been just for fun and in the bedroom, this is a substantial change.
You also mentioned that this would change from playtime to lifestyle. We are curious what that would look like in your world. For many that take the step to go from kinky play to a Dominant/Submissive dynamic, it is not always a full-time activity. We know several couples that add protocols and ceremony in order to symbolize when this dynamic is starting and ending. One partner comes home, kneels, and their collar is placed around their neck to show that the power has been exchanged, and the relationship is operating under a new set of protocols. Just like a wedding ring is a reminder to the person wearing it of their relationship, a collar can be the same.
Finally, the question we would have for both of you is regarding your partners desire to be a master. Is this the desire to be your master, or just a master with a slave? Have you explored the option of your partner taking on a slave strictly for the purposes of BDSM? It would add a lot to your relationship in terms of protocols, conversations, and contracts, but it could be what she needs to satisfy her desires.
In the end, the world of BDSM is one that is based entirely on informed consent. It sounds like you both have a lot of talking you need to do in order to both be happy. Just like any relationship dynamic, you should not enter a Master/Slave situation unless your consent is enthusiastically and freely given. It seems like there are several questions that you still need answered, and in our opinion, this is a matter that may need a professional help. There are a few kink friendly couple’s counselors in Anchorage, and feel free to write us back if you would like recommendations.
I need some advice. I am a gay man in my 20’s dating a guy in his late 30’s. He is much more social and outgoing than I, and it seems like he can’t leave the house without finding a new best friend. His closest friends are straight guys, and I am happy that he has those friendships. His actual best friend is one of these straight guys and lives in another state. They have what I would define as a “bromance”, to the point that when they talk on the phone it sounds almost like people that are dating.
I am introverted and don’t make a lot of friends, but recently I have been hanging out with this guy and we have gotten close quickly. I put a lot of energy into this new friendship and I want to make sure that I am still giving enough focus to my relationship. I love him and I don’t want to lose him over a friend, but I also want a “bromance” of my own. How do I make sure to have balance?
Awwww, cute! First, it sounds like your relationship is one built on the old saying “opposites attract”. That’s a good thing in this situation. You are reacting to this situation and imagining things as they exist in your world. Your boyfriend is probably looking at them differently. Don’t project any feelings of insecurity onto him.
He is an extrovert; you are an introvert. He is in his late 30’s, you are still in your 20’s. We are going to wager that there are a lot more ways that the two of you are on opposite ends of things. For many is these types of dating relationships, those differences bring a level of comfort. It’s pretty exhausting being an extrovert all the time. It can take a toll making a new friend every time you walk out of the house. He probably finds a lot of comfort in coming home to you and not being expected to be on all the time. As an introvert, you most likely enjoy that if you are feeling like doing something, he always has a bunch of different ideas.
Now why do you think you are going to lose him over a friend? Are you jealous of how close he is with his best friend? Do you think that he is going to get jealous over the amount of time you want to spend with this new guy? There are still some discussions that need to be had, but we don’t think it’s as serious as you have built it up to be.
If your boyfriend is that outgoing and has these close friendships with guys, he understands the importance of bonds like that. He is probably celebrating your new friendship and wants to see it succeed. Your only way to know is going to be to ask him.
The Alaskans are a group of individuals that have spent a lot of time dating, sexting, breaking-up, getting married, getting divorced, and staying single in this great state. If you have questions for them drop a line to firstname.lastname@example.org