Note from the Alaskans:
When we get together to discuss these questions that are sent in, we don’t always agree. Often the discussions can get tense as we are all individuals with different life experiences and ideas.
Like most weeks, we received a question this week involving consent. That is one topic we are always of the same mind about. The specifics may be different, but consent is always key.
HB 178 and similar bills and laws around the country come down to consent. Taking away medical choices and bodily autonomy from anyone is a consent violation. There is no other way to look at it. Just like with all forms of sexual assault it is attempting to take power over someone’s body. It’s really no surprise to us that Representative David Eastman was also the only “no” vote against House Bill 14, the bill that closed the loophole which had allowed Justin Schneider to such a light sentence for strangling a woman to the point of unconsciousness and ejaculating on her.
David Eastman does not care about consent. He simply wants to control people’s bodies.
I am having a problem with my ex. I broke up with him a few months ago, however, we were together for many years and for a while I thought we were going to get married. We bought a house together and since we are both on the mortgage, we have remained roommates through the breakup. Everything was fine for a while, but I could tell he still wanted to get back together.
Recently, I decided that I was ready to test the waters with new guys and I have been going out on some dates. I never bring them back to my home, and I do my best to not make it obvious out of respect for his feelings.
It seems like whenever I am out with another guy he knows and he started texting me pictures that were ok when we were dating, but now I feel like they are inappropriate. I have seen his dick pics plenty when we were together, so it doesn’t really bother me, but it’s rude. Some of them have been creepy with him in my room smelling my clothes or laying in my bed. I spoke to him about it once, but he said that since I gave permission before he is not doing anything wrong. I really need to move out but can’t right now. How do I help him understand that what he is doing is wrong?
— Creeped Out by Consent
Ew. Just…..ew. Okay, that’s a rough situation that you are in. First, let’s talk about this consent thing. There is an awesome poster that Planned Parenthood circulates often that uses an acronym about consent that we really enjoy. Consent is F.R.I.E.S.
Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific.
First, any consent he had to send nudes when the two of you were together can be reversed at any time. Take that away. We also don’t think you are enthusiastic about this.
Honestly, he needs to move out. You have started to move on, and he is holding on to the hope that you will get back together. He thinks that reminding you what you once had will somehow bring you running back to him. With creepy dick pics. It would be laughable if it wasn’t sad. Once the two of you are residing in different places it will be better for him and any matters concerning the property you both own can be handled through email. Email will allow you to see if there are any attachments of images or videos that you don’t want to see.
Also, let him know that if non-consensual nudes continue to be sent you will begin to let the women in his life know that he enjoys doing this. Mom, sisters, boss, whomever. It needs to stop. Good luck.
I have been dating a seasoned poly player for two years now. They have multiple other partners. In the last few months I have realized that I am falling in love with my metamour. We are friends. We have been sexual during threesomes, for fun, but never one on one.
How do I approach the conversation without possibly losing both? I don’t want to make things awkward, but I have a big heart to share.
— Loving without Losing
Awwwwww. You are so cute! Ok, so, sounds like you are a seasoned poly player as well, but for those readers that may not be experienced in this world let us explain.
In the world of polyamory, a metamour is your partner’s partner, but you have no romantic relationship with them. So, it could be your girlfriend’s other boyfriend, or your boyfriend’s wife, or your girlfriend’s girlfriend, etc.
In order to be successful in polyamory a few things need to happen. You as an individual need to learn the difference between jealousy and envy. You also need to understand that possessiveness is poison and will destroy all the relationships involved. The absolute best thing about polyamory besides all the great chances you have for conversation and cuddles, and in your case, threesomes, (we are a little jealous), is compersion.
Simply defined this is when you find joy because of someone else’s happiness. We have all experienced this at one time in our lives. It could be when you are filled with happiness from seeing a child experience things, or when you watch videos of members of the military coming home and their families are weeping with delight.
In the world of polyamory this occurs when you love someone in such a way that their happiness with another person makes you happy. If the people that you are playing with are as seasoned as you say there are, they have experienced this before as well and will want it for you.
So now you know what you must do. Have adult conversations. Our opinion is that you should start with your partner. Let them know that you are catching feelings for this other person and see how they feel about it. There may be some jealousy that will have to be worked through. They might be excited for you to explore this extra level to what was once a friendship. Once you know what their reaction will be you just have to confess your feelings for the other person, to the other person.
This could mean that they reject you as a partner, but it could bring you closer together as friends. It could possibly end the threesomes if they are trying to have a no-strings style relationship with you, but at the end of the day after you confess this, we have a feeling it will either go exactly how you want it to, or you will be no worse off than you are now. Just remember, you are sharing information with this person. It puts them under no obligation to do anything with that information, and it would be unfair of you to expect something from them in return.
Cheers kids! After this week politically, we believe that it is time for a cocktail or nine. Send in your questions now and see what happens when we answer your love, friendship, and sex queries after a couple drinks! firstname.lastname@example.org