Dear Ask an Alaskan,

My boyfriend is pressuring me to do things sexually in public. He says that we should start with just some road head. I don’t think I am comfortable with this. He says that if anyone on the road saw it, they would be turned on.

I want to help him fulfill his fantasies but there is something about it that makes me uncomfortable. Is there some way to compromise on this? I need a middle ground. I really don’t want some old guy in a big rig to be watching me while I do that to my guy. I am also worried about getting in an accident. I know how he reacts when I do that at home, and I imagine that if it were one of his fantasies it could be worse.

More inside

Do you have any suggestions on how we can fulfill his public sex fantasies without getting arrested?

Greetings friend. You are in what seems like a tough situation. It sounds like your boyfriend is an exhibitionist. At the most mild this is described as using behavior that is intended to attract attention to oneself. If we look at the psychiatric definition, which is a mental condition characterized by the compulsion to display one’s genitals in public, it starts to sounds creepy, and it can be. For most it is just another kink and it is done safe, sane, and consensually, it’s ok. Safe, sane and consensual are words you will hear a lot as you start to explore more kinks and fetishes.

What your boyfriend is suggesting violates those basic rules of kink in more than one way. First, you don’t feel that it is safe. That is the first issue that would make us take a hard pass on this. You know what sex with your boyfriend is like and if your thought is that he would not be able to do things while he is driving a giant moving machine, don’t do them. Period. If he keeps pressuring you, he is an asshole. He has to go.

Next, none of that even matters because of that big C word. Consensual. It’s not even that he is pressuring you to do something that you are not comfortable with, even though that violates consent. When we consent to doing something, if the answer you want to say isn’t “Fuck yes!” then the answer is “Fuck no”. Consent is enthusiastically given, not coerced.

What your boyfriend is suggesting is that you violate the consent of everyone else that may be driving by you. There is no way to know if everyone else on the road is going to be excited to see you bobbing your head in his lap. While he thinks it would just be some lonely trucker, it could very well be some kid in a motor home looking out the window while they are bored. We as humans should not be getting turned on by the idea of doing something that could be viewed by a child. Also, if a cop sees you, you will be arrested, and it’s not just an unsafe driving ticket, it’s a sex crime. This means that you will spend the rest of your life on a registry letting anyone who Googles you know about what you did for your man. That’s a little more exposure than any of us are willing to risk. The fact that he thinks that everyone wants to see him getting dome and does not think about the other possible outcomes means he is an asshole. He has to go.

This does not mean that we think that exhibitionists are bad people. Many of us are voyeurs and without exhibitionists we would be very sad. We like to watch. It just needs to be done with the full consent of everyone present. This can be achieved in many ways. Swinger parties, sex clubs, kinky house parties, and retreats are all ways to get the joys of being watched while not doing something that could injure you, kill you, or get you put in jail.

You wrote us looking for a compromise. You need to suggest those ideas to him. If he is not willing to listen and make concessions as well, he is an asshole. He must go.

Greetings,

I am having some concerns about my relationship with my boyfriend. I am a 25-year-old professional woman who relocated to Alaska a couple years ago. I have been dating my guy for about 9 months. He mentioned the other day that we should think about moving in together since he already owns his home, but I have some concerns. I am not a fan of how much marijuana he uses. It seems like two or three times a week he is getting high after work, or on the weekend he will get together with his friends in order to get stoned while they watch a movie and have dinner. I wouldn’t have a problem if it was going out for a few beers with the guys. Lord knows I love my nights out with my girls, but something about him using marijuana makes me think he is just a stoner. Am I off base?

Lone Star Girl

Well howdy Lone Star Girl. We will do our best to save our judgement about where you are from, but things may slip out.

Yeah. You are wrong. Here is why we know that. Your boyfriend owns his house. You don’t. You said that he does this when he get’s off work. So, he has a job. We are assuming he is probably in his late 20’s or early 30’s considering your age. This means that he is probably pretty sure what he is going to do with his life, and he isn’t getting tested for THC at work.

“Two or three” times a week really isn’t a lot for most of the stoners we know and getting stoned one time on the weekend while he is hanging out with his boys isn’t an issue in our eyes. Even if this was a financial issue, which we are betting it’s not, we are willing to bet that a night out with your girls is a hell of a lot more expensive that him smoking a couple bowls with his friends.

What he is doing is completely legal in the state of Alaska, provided he is not driving. He has a job, owns a home, and is in a successful relationship, save for this one issue. Seems like he has friendly relationships enough to get invited out of the house to activities. All in all, we aren’t seeing any red flags. You may not be getting stoned with him, but you seem a little paranoid. Maybe you should smoke a bowl with him, see if it helps you relax.

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