Hello Alaskans,

After years of dating a being sexually active I found the urge to start returning to church and found my faith again. While attending my church I also found a man that is everything that I had been searching for. While I am no longer a virgin, my boyfriend and I both decided that it was the correct decision for us to both wait for marriage until we had sex. His past is very similar to mine, and while he has been sexually active in the past, we want to make sure that we are spiritually correct. At this point we are just dating, and I have no idea whether he even plans to propose, or whether I would say yes if he did. 

My life before wasn’t easy, and I did a lot of things that I am not proud of. While I am happy in this relationship, and having a really good time, I feel like I need to fix some more things within myself before I commit to sharing myself completely with another person and building a life with them. 

The problem that I am having is that because both of us know how great sex is, we often have trouble keeping our hands off of each other. With the pandemic happening it is difficult to find things that we can do just as a couple and connect without ending up alone at each other’s houses. I am afraid that we are going to mess up and end up sleeping together. Do you have any advice on how not to have sex?

Thank you,

Born Again Virgin

Hello Virgin. Let us first state that we completely support your decision and your right to abstain from sex in the same way that we support anyone’s decision to have as much sex they want as long as they are honest, consensual, and legal. We would never slut shame someone and if anyone decides to shame you for your decision turn it back on them. Just please remember to give anyone that wants to express their sexual freedom the same courtesy that you hope people give to you. 

With hunker down orders and the difficulties of going out in public it is a very difficult time to have a romantic meal or go out on fun dates. While many businesses are open it can be tough to go into a business that is crowded with people and feel safe enough to relax and actually have a good time. 

When we are alone together with someone that we have romantic feelings for it is hard to not want to be affectionate. That affection can quickly turn into sexual energy and you run a higher risk of becoming sexually involved. We would advise you to start looking at a couple things differently. 

Affection does not always have to mean cuddling up on a couch while watching romantic or scary movies. Sure, this is great, but it’s not the only way to connect with someone physically. Taking a walk down the coastal trail while holding hands can be just as good of a way to connect, and considering the little we know about you, we don’t think that you are the type of people that would let something as innocent as that get out of control and go have a tryst in the woods. Another suggestion might be to continue to cuddle but do it in more public places like down on Kincaid beach, or at one of the many parks around town. Basically, we are suggesting that you spend more time outdoors if you are feeling the need to be affectionate. This could be the times that you spend alone and connecting on a deeper level. 

For the times that you want to hang out at home, invite another couple over. Perhaps a couple from the church that you admire based on their relationship or where they are at in their personal spiritual growth. 

One of the things that stood out to us about your letter is that you seem confused about where this relationship is going, and ever more worrisome is that you are not sure where you want it to go. Most of your question was about how to resist your sexual urges for someone that you seem to be just having fun with. We don’t agree that you can’t be committed to someone until all of your personal issues are fixed, as long as your partner knows that you have them, and that you plan to continue to work on them together, as a team. Good luck. 

I am a 29-year-old gay man and I am conflicted about a current sexual relationship that I have found myself in. One of the “straight” guys that hangs out in my group of friends and I hooked up a couple of times after parties. We were both intoxicated and the next morning he always asked me not to tell anyone, and that he was just experimenting. He always communicated this through Snap Chat so that I could not screen shot the messages to anyone. 

It’s fine with me that he may be deep in the closet, or maybe I am just an experiment. Considering the sex was good and he is hot, I didn’t care if he ever came out, until recently. Lately the hookups have been happening when we haven’t been drinking. They are also happening earlier in the day, and before we have sex, we end up hanging out, grabbing a bite to eat, and actually talking. In reality it’s starting to feel like dating. 

I am not sure if I am comfortable being a dirty secret, and I have been out of the closet for 11 years, so I am not sure if I want to wait for someone I am dating to finally have the guts to come out. 

I like him, and the sex is still good, but I am not sure what to do. 

Wow. This is a situation we have found ourselves in more than once. While it’s not easy if you have just a little bit of resolve you can fix it. Communicate. Now we know that is much easier said than done so we want to offer you some other advice as well. 

First, you said you were not sure about a lot of things. Figure that out. You need to figure out exactly what you want and then you can start setting some boundaries and making negotiations. 

If you want this to remain a booty call or “friends with benefits” situation, then stop going and running to him like a well-trained puppy every time he snaps his fingers. Give him the call when you are horny, initiate sex, and then leave. No strings sex is not about spending time together. It’s about sex. 

If you decide you can be patient while he figures out his sexuality than the answer is simple. Tell him how you feel. When most guys are confronted with the honest feelings of someone, they are ambiguously involved with they will react in one of two ways. They will either reciprocate those feelings or cut and run. The second option could be done very kindly or they could use one of a thousand clichés to let you down gently, further hurting you in the process. 

Treat this relationship the same way you would with anyone else that you were confused about, but just expect him to not be ready to come out, and he may cut it off. 

The first step is figuring out what you want. 

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